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Not that long ago in a spring training baseball stadium far, far away from Wisconsin, slugger Ryan Braun expressed vindication after his appeal of
a 50-game drug suspension was upheld. The Milwaukee Brewers probably felt like the Ewoks after Lando blew up Death Star II in "Return of the Jedi" — they were so happy not to lose their best player for nearly one-third of the season. "Ayyyyyeeeeee-gah!" went Kameron Loe (and LaTroy Hawkins from far away .
Using that theme, The Force obviously was with
Twitter resident @FauxFrankWren when he transformed the subsequent Major League Baseball statement on Braun into
the opening credits from "Star Wars."
Behold, the genius:
Impressive. Most impressive.
Not only does MLB have an Imperial way about it in general, but arbitrator Shyam Das has a great name for the Jedi knight — as if George Lucas himself suggested it to Das' parents, Boot and Raycess Das.
Other elements of MLB's statement also (
here's the original lend themselves to Lucas exposition:
• "The Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program." The only thing it's missing is touches such as an all-caps "DEATH STAR."
"THE JOINT DRUG PREVENTION AND TREATMENT PROGRAM."
And then words such as "Clubs" are oddly capitalized, like "Galactic Empire" in the Star Wars scroll.
• The narrative tone is very desperate in both. In the movie, "It is a period of civil war" and Princess Leia is racing home aboard her starship, "custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..."
In MLB's world, the obligations of the drug testing program are "essential to the integrity of our game," and it "vehemently disagrees with the decision rendered today by arbitrator Shyam Diaz."
What will happen now? Tune in for the next episode!
Spring Training has arrived!
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Calling the process "fatally flawed" and having characteristics "opposite of the American judicial system," Braun breathed a public sigh of relief, not only because he won't be suspended for 50 games for testing positive for elevated testosterone, but also because his reputation, he believes, has been restored.
[
Jeff Passan: Braun ruling deals blow to MLB testing ]
"We won because the truth is on my side," Braun said as teammates listened from the stands at the Brewers facility in Phoenix.
The truth is, Braun won because he had the very best legal advice possible, and there's nothing wrong with that — if you can afford it. Per
the Associated Press:
Braun detailed how the urine sample he provided on Oct. 1, the day the Brewers opened the playoffs, was not delivered to Federal Express until Oct. 3. Baseball's drug agreement calls for samples to be delivered to FedEx on the same day they are collected.
And so, on Thursday night,
the arbitrator with a Jedi's name — Shyam Das — ruled in Braun's favor. It's the first time an appeal of this nature at the major-league level has been sustained. And it's pretty simple as to why. No mind tricks were necessary. Perhaps Braun's legal team could have fought the suspension in other ways, but they didn't need to. Braun had MLB dead to rights on the rules.
No matter what the sample collector did with Braun's urine — even if he kept it safe in a special urine-only refrigerator with deadbolt locks and a pee guard dog — it doesn't matter. The rules say he had to express the sample to the testing facility on the same day, and he didn't.
[
Y! Sports Radio: Jeff Passan says Ryan Braun still has much to prove]
MLB is said to be furious with the ruling — worrying that it puts its entire drug testing program at risk — and is looking into a lawsuit to get Das' ruling set aside or overturned. But if the 48-hour lag time "doesn't matter," then why is it in the agreement that samples must be rushed to the testers in Montreal? Based on its track record in court when it comes to arbitrators rulings, MLB is bound to lose this fight. They might want to, instead, read this part of Braun's statement:
"We're part of a process where you're 100 percent guilty until proven innocent — it's the opposite of the American judicial system. If we're held to that standard, it's only fair that everybody else is held to that exact same standard.
"With what's at stake — this is my livelihood, this is my integrity, this is my character — this is everything in my life being called into question. We need to make sure that we get it right. If you're going to be in a position where you're 100 percent guilty until proven innocent, you can't mess up. And today is about making sure that this doesn't happen to anybody else who has played this game."
Amen. Two or three mens, in fact. Braun also pointed his finger at news media to whom sources inside MLB leaked information that turned public what was supposed to be confidential and private matter.
"Despite the fact there have been many inaccurate, erroneous and completely fabricated stories regarding this issue, I've maintained the confidentiality of this process," Braun said. "There's never been a 'personal medical issue,' I've never had an STD [and] many of the original stories reported by the original network have continued to live on and it's sad that people continue to leak information that's inaccurate."
This part is not up to ESPN to fix. MLB needs to tighten its security, and its own lips, or else this will happen again.
Braun might or might not be innocent. But being not guilty is all he needs to play, and there's no good reason to not enjoy him do so. Unless you're a Cubs fan. Here's Braun's statement in its entirety:
Spring Training has arrived!
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Continue reading "Worth Repeating: Marijuana and the Psychology of Optimal Experience" >
reported Friday.
That brings the outbreak total to 14. All of those sickened are female. Two have been hospitalized.
Both new cases said they ate sprouts at Jimmy John's restaurants in the week before they became ill.
Iowa has reported five cases tied to the outbreak, Missouri has reported three, while Kansas and Michigan each have reported two cases. Arkansas and Wisconsin each have reported one outbreak-connected case.
The case patients range in age from 9 to 49 years old. The median age is 25. Onset dates of their illnesses range from Dec. 25, 2011 to Feb. 1, 2012.
"Preliminary results of the epidemiologic and traceback investigations indicate eating raw clover sprouts at Jimmy John's restaurants is the likely cause of this outbreak," the CDC stated in the investigation update.
The CDC report provided no new information on the Food and Drug Administration traceback investigation.
In its initial report, the CDC said the traceback probe had implicated a common lot of clover seeds used at two separate sprouting facilities. Both growers supplied sprouts to Jimmy John's restaurants.
The CDC said the seed supplier told the sprouting facilities on Feb. 10, 2012 to stop using the suspect lot of clover seed.
Many clover seeds are produced for agricultural use, so they might not be processed, handled and stored as human food would, the CDC noted.
Sprout seeds can become contaminated with pathogens if they are grown with contaminated water or improperly composted manure fertilizer. They could also be contaminated with feces from domestic or wild animals, or with runoff from animal production facilities, or by improperly cleaned growing or processing equipment.
Bacteria on the seeds will grow and multiply rapidly in the warm, moist conditions used to sprout the seeds.
Jimmy John's began serving clover sprouts on its sandwiches last year, after a multistate outbreak of Salmonella was linked to the alfalfa sprouts it used. Last week, a franchise owner in Missouri said sprouts were being removed from Jimmy John's menus.
Raw sprouts served at Jimmy John's restaurants have been tied to five outbreaks in four years.
CDC Outbreak Map
I justified the purchase of some onesies by saying "It's on clearance and I have a coupon!", which is fine -- it was and I did and we bought a 6 months size, not a newborn size. And I could not resist the footed sleeper with little frog feet -- Jenn might collect elephants but Michelle Belle loves frogs, and it was CUTE, dammit. Johnny Mac Pippin will look adorable in that sleeper. (And I've heard it is cold in Hawaii at night, right? And there was another footed sleeper that came with a cute little net washing machine bag thing, so tiny socks don't get lost in the wash. Totally adorable and useful, too. 
But then again, I haven't bought a single toy or stuffed animal -- but I'm on the look out for the perfect Kangaroo with Joey, have you seen one?
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